We live in a “hurry up and get over it” culture where grievers are often judged for “grieving too long”. Yet, grief isn’t a race to see who will get over it faster. As Christ-followers, there is often this notion that if you are grieving longer than what is deemed “normal” then your faith must be weak. This is simply not the case. You have permission to grieve slowly.
“Traumatic loss has a way of slowing us down.”
Mel Lawrenz, A Chronicle of Grief
So much of our culture tries to rush us through grief. But the reality is, that trying to “just get over it” prolongs the intensity of grief. Just getting over it implies that we simply dismiss the grief without acknowledging or processing it.
I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t like to move slowly. I wish I could just skip through the grief or over it altogether. Yet, the reality of grief is that it takes time. And often to process it, it takes moving slowly.
Brain science has proven that in grief the brain has to catch up to the reality that what has been lost is no longer part of our natural world. And that takes time.
On hurrying, Vincent De Paul says this, “The one who hurries delays the things of God.” It reminds me of how important it is to make space for grief. And in doing so, make space to sit with God in it.
How to Grieve Slowly
Reject Cultural Expectations:
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2 NIV).
Social rules of grieving start with our environment, surroundings, and culture and what we allow to influence our grief responses. To grieve slowly, we must challenge societal expectations that dictate a specific timeframe for grief. And choose to recognize that healing is a personal journey, and there is no predetermined schedule for moving through the pain.
Embrace Your Unique Timeline:
“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1 NKJV).
One myth of grief is that the first year of grief is the hardest. Yet, the fact is that grief is hard period. We know that no two people will grieve the same. Thus, your grief is as individual as your relationship with the person or thing you’ve lost. Embrace your unique timeline and release any self-imposed pressure to conform to external expectations. Your journey is your own, and it deserves the time it needs.
Dismantle Guilt and Shame:
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1 NIV).
I’ve probably have been the worst when it comes to guilt and shame of grief. Often asking myself “Why are you still sad about that?” Guilt and shame present themselves in grief when we allow others to dictate the pace of our grieving. Understand that the depth of your grief nor the pace is not a reflection of your faith or strength. Allow yourself the freedom to experience the full range of emotions without judgment.
Cultivate Self-Compassion:
“The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love” (Psalm 103:8 NIV).
Be kind to yourself. Recognize that grief is not a sign of weakness but a testament to the love you shared. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the same understanding and patience you would extend to a dear friend.
Create Rituals of Remembrance:
“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them” (Matthew 18:20 NIV).
Meaningful rituals, practices, and rhythms help to make space for your loss. Whether through prayer, journaling, or creating a memorial, these activities can serve as a comforting way to honor our loved ones and acknowledge the impact of the loss.
Here’s a quick takeaway: Do grief at your own pace. It is not a race.
Sitting with you,
Natasha
Resources in this article (affiliate):
