“I understand.” This is what not to say to grievers.
Yet, these words quickly left my lips every time someone told me that someone died in their family. Every time someone lost someone in their family or a friend, I used to be so quick to say, “I understand”. Having experienced immense loss, I truly thought I had the street creds to say this phrase.
Since my granddaddy died.
My grandma died.
My niece died.
My babies died.
My sisters died.
My marriage died.
My career died.
My identity died.
My daddy died.
My nephew died.
My sister-in-law died.
My niece died.
My uncles died.
My aunts died.
My cousins died.
Just to name a few of the losses I’ve experienced…and you may be sitting right here with me. And if you are, I’m so sorry. So, you see when I heard of a loss, I thought I understood.
But I was wrong. As I was studying for one of my grad classes, I realized that saying I understand, really wasn’t the right response at all.
We Are All Still Learning What Not to Say to Grievers
Yes, “I understand” is an empathetic response. But it has the potential to do more harm than good. Let me explain. No matter how much we have experienced, we still have never walked in the same shoes as our neighbors.
Saying we understand is a sentiment we think will provide some solace. Instead, it can be a phrase that boxes in the griever or the person who is hurting from telling their full story. From telling the weight of their story.
In essence, it tells the griever, I know all there is to know about your situation so there is no need for you to tell me anything. And this is quite the opposite of what we want to do as we support each other along the grief journey.
Because often what follows, I understand, is us telling our story. We say “Yes, I understand, because that happened to me too”. Then we go on and on about what happened to us.
What’s Important for Grievers?
Yes, our story is important too. But not at this moment when someone is telling us theirs. It’s the exchange of grace. Taking a moment to listen to someone else. Taking the time to just sit with someone as they tell their story.
“I understand, so often kills communication because we’re talking, not listening…we don’t understand and that’s the truth. Our experiences are different from theirs and they need at first to talk about theirs, not hear about ours”.
James C Petersen, Why Don’t We Listen Better?
So, instead of being quick to say, “I understand”, may we be quick to just sit with the hurting and grieving. So, we can listen. Then listen some more.
Just to sit.
To listen.
And to learn.
To bear witness to their pain.
Because we can’t begin to know someone else’s grief, or pain until we sit with them for a while.
For more thoughts on ways to sit with the grieving, get a copy of my book Can You Just Sit With Me? Healthy Grieving for the Losses of Life here or wherever books are sold.
Also, listen to the Can You Just Sit With Me? Podcast, a free resource for those navigating loss and grief. Listen here.
