“Just move on.” Three words a griever should never have to hear. Yet, it happens. Sometimes not with these exact words but others that are implied. It may sound like…” Oh, it’s okay, you can always have more kids”, “He wasn’t right for you anyway”, “You can find another job”, or something like “They are in a better place, you shouldn’t be sad”.
So much of this language is what we categorize as “well-meaning”. Most people mean well, right? However, to the griever, these phrases can become harmful. It gives off the feeling that my grief is not welcome. Sadly, this is one of the reasons grievers keep to themselves and grieve in silence.
Because here is the thing with grief. We can not just move on but we can move forward. And in grief, there is a difference.
“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
Anne Lamott
For grievers, moving forward may look like…
For grievers, moving forward may look like this simply putting one foot in front of the other or doing the next thing you can do. And moving on feels like leaving it all behind regardless of the havoc it has on you mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Both can be beneficial in certain situations. Yet in the context of grief, moving on can prove unhealthy. The idea of “just move on” is thrown around as if grief can be forgotten with the blink of an eye or waving of a magical wand. It’s simply not the case. In moving forward, we can better bring our loved ones with us versus moving on suggests leaving them behind.
I saw this beautiful illustration of moving forward comprised of three images. The first was of a person who was walking forward, the second was of a person crawling forward, and the third was of a person using their hands to drag themselves forward. Like whoa, moving forward can look different for us all.
But let me pause here to say…If you need to pause, if you need a break from “grief work” from processing the grief, do it. I’ve had moments when I had to tap out and put the grief on the shelf for a moment. Like I’m on a break from therapy at the moment…it was too much. And we have to recognize and honor that as well. Be kind to yourself, friend. Give yourself not only permission to grieve and move forward but also permission to rest. Resting is not quitting.
How to Move Forward in Grief
When life kicks you, let it kick you forward.
Coach Kay Yow
Acknowledge the Grief.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4 NIV).
Ignoring grief won’t fix it and acting as if it doesn’t exist won’t heal it. To move forward in grief, we must first acknowledge it exists. At times, it’s still challenging for me to admit that my Dad died or my baby died, etc. Yet, when we acknowledge the grief, when we “sit” with the grief, that is when we can begin to move another step forward.
Embrace the Process
“[w]eeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5 NIV).
The very definition of a process is a series of actions or steps taken to achieve a particular end. We can embrace grieving as a series of actions or steps taken. But to achieve what? You can determine what you want the particular end to be. Healing and wholeness. Survival, making it through the next day or the next moment. A series of steps, whether great or small brings us closer to what we’d like to achieve in our individual grief process.
Seek Support
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV).
Grief needs a place to go. Whether it is on a page or rests on the ears of a safe person in a safe place. Seek the support you need. Counseling, therapy, grief group, trusted friend, family and/or community.
Full Review:
Natasha Smith writes from up-close, personal experiences of grief. Her advice to those of us who are grieving is invaluable.
She shows us how to grieve, how to take time to sit, be still, and how to express our grief. For friends and family members of those grieving, she offers excellent suggestions on how to help those grieving. This book is an important resource for pastors, counselors, friends, and family.
This is a book I will read over and over—not just for my own grief processing, but to help others with theirs.
-EC
Get your copy of the book here.